There are good games and bad games in the world. I don’t think anyone is going to argue that. People have different tastes, and some things taste like your favorite food while others taste like something the dog vomited up, ate, and then shit out again. These games fall into the latter category for me. None of these are particularly new games, but they stand out for me because I despise them.
Mirror’s Edge - Xbox 360
Mirror’s Edge is a first person Free running game where you run around blocky , bland buildings and shoot at men in suits.
As a general rule, I dislike first person games. They just rub me the wrong way. I hate 99% of first person shooters, and if I was boring almost this entire list would be made up of FPS’s. The only first person game that I can get through without gritting my teeth is Portal (seriously, play it).
That being said, Mirror’s Edge already had a strike against it. The main point of the game, being free running did not get pulled off as good as, say, Assassin’s Creed. Know why? Because it was in first person. And I’m not saying this just because I’m biased. Free Running in first person just doesn’t work. It looks like you’re looking out of the end of a hyper extended elephant’s nose. If you think I’m making this up, play it and then play Brink, both of which do first person free running.
People who defend the game say “But it was the first of it’s kind!” And to them I say, just because a baby is taking it’s first steps does not mean you don’t punch it when it falls down.
Heavy Rain - PS3
The first thing I’m going to say here is that I did not finish this game. This will immediately disqualify this review to most people because, apparently, you have to get past the first two hours for the game to get good.
I’ll let you marinate on that for a moment…
That’s like having to wade through two hours of lava to get to a small pile of diamonds. By the time you get through the lava you’ll be sorely burned and disappointed, and probably dead. But hey! Diamonds!
Now it’ll be no secret here that I absolutely hate the PS3 for no good reason. Don’t try to get me to explain it, because you’ll get something like “….Because it’s stupid…NO YOU’RE STUPID.” I just hate it. I love the PS2 and it’s games, shitty graphics and all, but I loath the PS3 like it stole and murdered my puppy. So strike one against Heavy Rain.
Granted, the graphics are pretty and it’s a very cinematic game. But the latter is a problem. If I wanted to watch a movie, I’d watch a movie. And it’s not like, a game with a lot of really long cut scenes in between (In the FFX family of games), it’s like a movie that just so happens to let you control the main character.
So yeah, needless to say I did not get past the first two hours because it was boring. You walk around…You talk to your son about homework or something. Sit down and watch TV…Brush your teeth….Meeeeeeeh. My attention span is short, and I need….Ooh, a squirrel!
The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask - Nintendo 64
Fear not Zelda Fans, I am among you. Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess, Oracle of Seasons/Time, some of my all time favorite games that I can play forever and ever until the end of time. Believe me, I love Zelda. It’s a wonderful series and I will be with you in like at 5:00 AM when Skyward Sword comes out.
But, I absolutely cannot stand Majora’s mask. I probably get it from my mother, who absolutely hates Groundhog’s Day type movies, which I’m not a big fan of either. MM to me was like being trapped inside one of those games where a creepy stalker rapist watches you the entire time and threatens to rape you if you don’t do what he says in three days. And then you have to do it all over again. And Again. And Again. Most people have said “Well maybe you just suck at the game.” To which I respond, “Maybe your mom sucks a lot of penis.”
The thing about Zelda games that I enjoy is the freedom to explore every nook and cranny of the dungeons, trying to find the items and looking at the various bits and bobs that lie about. In OoT, The Shadow Temple, while by far the hardest and most annoying, creepy dungeon, was actually fun for me because it was so large and I could explore it for hours. I don’t get this opportunity in MM. I feel like I’m being rushed through the dungeons with a rapist at my heels, and that is not a good feeling.If I remember correctly, you’re even rushed to get to the next dungeon before time runs out (Correct me if I’m wrong here, it’s been a while since I played it, I just know I hate it.)
A Zelda game is like sex. When it’s rushed and you’re on a time limit, everyone just ends up disappointed. Granted, I hate it the least out of the other games. It’s like a nice, solid pile of shit in an otherwise disgusting, runny, yellow and green pile of diarrhea.
Every Single 3rd Party Game Produced on the Wii
Fuck you. I have no problem with casual games or with people who play them and if I did, I’d probably go insane with the sudden influx of pick up and play “App” games. Most of them are pretty dang fun and addictive. I get that. But I swear, if I see “Angry Birds” for the wii, I will purchase fifteen parrots and throw them into the nearest Gamestop.
Stay off of my console. I would have absolutely no problem if these were DLC, but it seriously angers me that these people spend 5 minutes copying a game (or in worst cases, making a really really shitty game) and putting it in a wii box so Grandma doesn’t know any better when she picks it up and gives it to you for Christmas. Honestly, it seems like that’s who they’re aiming at with these. Confused Grandmas who want to get little Jimmy something “nice” to play for his video box.
It upsets me to go into my local game shop and see the Wii side filled with things like “Deer Hunter” and “Cake Mania”, and hiding among them is one or two ‘Real’ Nintendo games, none of which are recent. Please, Nintendo, I beg you, appeal to us Nintendo Fans. I miss the days of “Official Nintendo Seal of Quality.”
It’s like my first born son, who I love and cherish, has dropped out of college and is now a drug addict. I beg you son, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Perhaps the Wii-U will give you a kick in the butt, but I am pessimistic.
