A Gamer with Boobs

What do you get when you mix 2 parts Skyrim, 1 Part Shadow of the Colossus, 1 Part Legend of Zelda and a sprinkle of Fable?

If you said anything other than OMGWHATWHEREISTHISGAMEANDHOWDOIGETITTAKEMYMONEYPLEASENOW then something is seriously wrong with you. This review can be summed up in three words: Buy. This. Game. Seriously. (Okay that’s four words, but you get the point.)

Behold, a screen shot.

What you’re seeing there is the first actual boss. Yes. That. Granted, you do get to do a tutorial (Which is equally insanely awesome and I won’t spoil it for you) but that, up there, is one of the first things you have to actually murder with your pointy stick or magic wand. And it is amazing.

That screenshot is also a very accurate portrayal of the graphics of the game as well. It is a very detailed game and not one of those that spends all of it’s graphical capabilities on the cinematics. Trust me when I say, the cinematics looks exactly like the game play. In fact, the first time it transitioned from a cinematic to gameplay I didn’t even realize it. Each fight feels like you are in a cinematic and it increases the immersion so much. Not since Skyrim have I been so deeply immersed in a game.

Did I mention in most cases you have to climb up on monsters to get to their weak points and avoid their shaking, swinging, biting parts while keeping an eye on your stamina bar to keep hold?

Also, the more you wail on a monster, the bloodier and weaker it gets, both visually and attack wise. It’s just. Hnghgng. Excuse me while I go clean myself up.

Like most RPG’s, in the beginning, you get to fully customize your character, going as far as adjusting the weight and height, both of which are very important to your character being able to do things, like walk through windy areas or carry certain things. Your gender also has a lot to do with how the story progresses and how often monsters will attack you.

For instance, I had a random encounter with a monster in a cave, and one of my pawns announced that WOMEN EXCITE IT. Considering I was the only female in the party at the time, it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out who it went for first.

Pawns are what the other members of your party are called, you Main Pawn being fully customizable as well. You can have three other members in your party, a Main Pawn and two secondary pawns, who are the main pawns of other players on Xbox Live. You can change your party at any given time in the game. This feature is also, say it with me, awesome, because not only can your pawn come back with information regarding quests and items that you haven’t come across yet and thus, when you come across it, your pawn can lead you through it, more often than not you can run across stronger pawns where they’re kept who will help you through more difficult trials.

They all have their own little personality traits and quirks and will give you tips and tricks as you go about adventuring, and it really feels like the four of you are a group.

One negative thing about Pawns that affects the game as a whole, however, is if you get a pawn that is not the quiet type they will not shut the fuck up. In fact, the speech patterns of all the NPCs in the game are incredibly limited to about two phrases a piece, and this can be very very, extremely annoying when you have to speak to one specific NPC repeatedly, like the inn keeper or Blacksmith at a certain town. 

I swear I dream about “What’ll it be today?” Ugh.

But this is a teeny tiny gripe in an otherwise blooming, radiant, extremely positive review. The world is fantastic and large, but not too large where it gets to be too much going from one town to another (Yet, I am still in the first huge chunk of the game) and it has yet to feel repetitive to me, as every time I go back and forth, I discover some new monster or some new path. The game, thus far, is just difficult enough to be challenging, but not too difficult to be frustrating. Even when you die 8000 times on one monster (and you will) it’s always as simple as either readjusting you party or readjusting you tactics until you win.

The battle system is simple and flows easily, and the controls are absolutely flawless. It can be summed up rather easily, wail on things’ sensitive bits until they fall off. It is extremely fun discovering what these sensitive bits are though and if I kept on, this review would go on forever.

In short: Buy it, play it, love it. Just be prepared to lose a big chunk of your life to it, just as you did in Skyrim.

Screenshots were googlesnagged this time. I didn’t make Dragon’s Dogma, Capcom did, and they did a fantastic job. Don’t sue me, kay?

I have been playing The Sims since the first installment of the game. To say I enjoy The Sims is a bit of an understatement, for EA gets a cut of any money I get almost each time they release a new expansion.

The Sims (1) also had an expansion called The Sims: Pets, making this one the only expansion pack to have the exact same name as a previous one which shows that EA is incredibly creative with their names, obviously. There are some things in the first pets that they did not include in this one, but we will get to that later.

The Sims 3: Pets is one of the most recent expansions on the market and my opinion on it is an overwhelming eh…

To aide in my review, I’ve enlisted the help of Review Sim.

 A Stone Cold Fox

The main feature of The Sims 3: Pets that gets added is, gasp, Pets!

Not only can you have cats and dogs in your household, as in previous installments,you can also have horses!

Not only that, there are a series of new traits that you can add, most of which have to do with the pets, such as Animal Lover, Cat Person, Dog Person and Equestrian which make your interactions easier with the pets.

Now, in the first Sims Pets, you could train your cat or dog to do a variety of tricks which you could then use to impress other sims or make money or whatever it is you wanted to do.

In this one, you can teach your dog tricks.

“Eviscerate my Neighbor.”

But no cat tricks. Most people would say “Well you can’t teach cats trick anyway!” But I beg to differ, as does EA. I have to wonder why they included cat tricks in the first Sims Pets, but took it out of this one.

There is, however, a new skill that you can teach cats that allows them to hunt for different animals that you can keep as pets, such as turtles, snakes, birds and rodents. Dogs can hunt as well, but they hunt for collectible items like rocks and things I can’t be bothered with.

While finding these little pets, which you can’t actually control like you can cats, dogs and horses, is fun and quite profitable if your pet’s skill is high enough, I feel like it was just something they put in, as the little pets don’t really do anything if you keep them in their terrariums.

You can teach the birds to talk and they fly around, but they don’t feel as immersive as the cats, dogs and horses. So, if you are buying this game because of birds and hamsters, perhaps you should rethink your purchase.

 “Fuck off!” “*Squack* Fuck off!” “NO GAH GET OUT.”

And, admittedly, since hunting is pretty much the only “skill” that cats and dogs can learn, they get a bit boring after a while as well. 

They really should have called this game The Sims 3: Horses, because horses are AWESOME in this game. Honestly, I have the most fun with my horse than any other animal in the game.

Cars are obsolete.

Not only are there more traits for the horses than the cats and dogs, your sim can get horse related traits such as the Riding skill (*snerk*).

You can enter your horse into races at the Equestrian Center and make boatloads of money. Horses also have a lot more items like stables, hay, salt licks, and things that allow you to train them in their various skills.

That being said, the horses are not enough to carry an expansion called “Pets.” I feel as though more time was spent on the horses than any other animal, which is somewhat understandable since they are the new animal in the game, but still. To leave out things from the first sims, which were perfectly fine, I feel like I got a little gipped.

Don’t get me wrong, the game is fun and immersive, as all sims games are and the sheer amount of pets you can have is impressive, but if you are going to get an expansion pack, I would recommend World Adventures over pets. Or, you know, go buy a real pet.

The Sims 3 Pets and all screenshots belong to EA. I did not create the game, I’m just reviewing it, kay?

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited.

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited, because there were too many things on my mind.

For instance, what color was that cat, that I saw the other day or

Did I say the right thing to  my friend?

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited

Because writing the invitations is tough.

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited, because how the hell do you even host a party?

What if someone brings someone and they bring someone too

And I have to get to know new people?

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited

Because talking to people is scary

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited, but it isn’t because I’m not thinking of you.

It’s really not personal because I’d love you to be there

But thinking about it freaks me out.

I’m having a celebration and nobody is invited

Oh, check it out, new Ru Paul.

I’m not dead, I just have a really really short attention span with things like this.

Maybe I’ll tumbl more often, but I haven’t had any really interesting thoughts lately. Probably because I totally forgot I had a blog!

ANYWAY HI, BYE, maybe updates more often!

Forgive me for any typos folks, I’m currently typing this while mostly blind. Bur I won’t bother you with details about that! These are things I think shouldn’t be things!

Jeankinis

Who are these for? Women shaped specifically like the woman in the picture? Whatever happened to the good old, albeit trampy, “Thong to peeking over the jeans” look. Does one have to connect them and make one horrible abomination?

Also note that the woman in the picture is wearing those clear 6 inch stripper heels.

Anal Bleaching

It’s exactly what you think it is. Boyfriend kindly compiled a list of people that would need this, which includes

-Porn Stars

-Gay men

-Rich People

But why? Is there a market for people that think their…anuses (Anii?) are too dark? I don’t know anyone that spends that much time fretting over the hole from which their poop comes. Am I missing a trend here where people look at their anus and compare it to the anus of other’s for color? How do you know your anus is too dark?

Did I mention anal bleaching creams include acid and will likely do the exact opposite of what you want it to do? Also, it apparently burns…A lot.

I should also mention the photo linked is a do it yourself anal bleaching kit. So, yeah, you can bleach your anus within the comfort of your own home!

Vajazzle

It’s bedazzling for your vagina. I can’t think of anything witty or amazing to say about this. It is pure concentrated awful on so many levels.

Toe Shoes

Now, supposedly these things are made to simulate barefoot running. I can get down with that. You’re running out early in the morning where nobody can see you and attempting to improve your immune system and make your running more, you know…runny.  

Except barefoot running doesn’t do that. There is not a single study performed that states that barefoot running improves running in the least bit. People who swear by it say it’s because back in caveman days we didn’t have shoes! We also didn’t have concrete.

But beyond all that, most people that tend to buy these, or that I’ve seen, are people that only know running as an idea. People wear these things in public, usually with khaki’s and a terrible shirt. Why? Just…Hnnhgn. From a purely fashion standpoint these are just awful. Unlike toeSOCKS, which are awesome.

Every group of friends has one. The person that almost literally sucks the fun out of the room either just by their presence or by passing comments or general being-unfun-ness.

Symptoms of Fun Vampirism are widespread but easily recognized. Over 90% of FV’s are unintentional and have the best interests of their group at heart. It is best to remember that Fun Vampirism is a disease and it is best to support your FV and help them to recover.

Symptoms of Fun Vampirism

• Inability to pick out the FV in your group.
• No matter what, you find yourself not having as much fun as everyone else.
• You feel it’s your job to “watch out” for the rest of your friends.
• No matter how drunk everyone is, when you say or do something, laughter immediately stops.
• General discomfort and/or awkwardness levels rise in your presence.
• You find yourself never letting loose for fear of judgement.
• You often judge others for letting loose.
• You literally suck the fun out of the room and use it for sustenance or sacrifices to various evil gods.

There are many types of Fun Vampires, all of which have varying degrees of Fun Vampirism. Some of these are easily cured in moments, while others may take months of almost constant alcohol consumption.

Types of Fun Vampire

• Temporary Fun Vampire(ism) (TFV) - Fun Vampirism is not always a permanent state. Sometimes you just don’t feel like having fun and go to the party/gathering anyway. Everyone has these moments and in most cases, they can be excused with a simple explanation. If this friend is not usually a Fun Vampire, most of the time being in the presence of the party will cure them of TFV.
• The Socially Inept - An entirely unintentional FV. This person is usually socially awkward and has no idea how to behave in a group setting. Sometimes this can lead to nervousness, inappropriate jokes and general discomfort of the group. 99% of people have experienced this type of Fun Vampirism in their life and it is usually a very temporary suckage of fun from a small area, and not the entire party/gathering.
• The Dick - This is a branch from The Socially Inept FV, but while The Socially Inept are often shy or unintentionally inappropriate, The Dick will suck the fun from the room by being a raging asshole and/or douchebag. This is a very severe type of Fun Vampirism.
• The Guardian - This particular Fun Vampire feels as though it is his or her job to make sure everyone at the party/gathering is safe, regardless of how safe the area is. This FV is also known as ‘The Mother Hen.’ This is one of the most severe types of Fun Vampire and often leads to distension amongst groups of friends.

There is no coverall cure for Fun Vampirism, as some types may overlap. Here are just a few that may help your FV.

How to Cure a Fun Vampire

• Get them drunk - This is the most simple way to cure an FV, but it may be the most difficult to implement with The Guardian. It is unwise to attempt to cure The Dick with this method.
• Have an FV intervention - Tell your friend that they are an FV, and that you all are just there to help them. This solution may often be met with denial, and that is perfectly normal, however, if more than half of the gathering suggests that you are an FV, it is your job to seek treatment and allow them to help. Remember, friends are your greatest allies in curing yourself of Fun Vampirism.
• Destroy them - In rare cases, your Fun Vampire may be a literal Fun Vampire, in which case, your only option is to destroy them. Starvation is the most advised method. If you suspect your friend is a literal FV, do not allow them access to any of your fun. After many months of being uninvited to friendly gatherings and general nexuses of fun, your FV should starve to death. This is not to be confused with a loss of friendship. They will die, and it will be your fault.

This is only scratching the surface of Fun Vampirism, and experts on the subject are encouraged to add thoughts and suggestions. It is our duty as a species to find a cure for this disease.